Food network will be on but we won't be watching
O by "watching" I mean "background noise"
She just texted me saying, "I wish you were a better person so I could fuck you without regrets"
I am about to get in a knife fight over a corn dog.
I wonder how skeet ulrich feels about the skeet skeet phrase and and what it denotes.
The greatest thing of my life happened today. I took a shit and it formed a smiley face. It's going to be a fucking fantastic day.
I'm timing the release of my poops to the sound of the machine gun from the video game he's playing in the living room.
she got into med school, i feel dumb for banging her dance major friend
What the fuck am I going to do with a pinata full of tampons?
Until she magically finds a brain, I'm going to be a dick. Fair trade. She's a idiot, I'm an ass.
Woke her up in the middle of the night with the smell from a fart. So proud of my colon.
It's a sad day when you can't take off your pants and drink a margarita at work.
It's important to establish I slept with her BEFORE we officially became cousins-in-law.
Hung out near hay bales in sweaters then she gave me a pumpkin spice pop rocks bj. That was so freakin' seasonal.
I got locked into my place today. You might be wondering if that was a typo... It's not.
4 of us. Guys and girls. Were sitting there discussing the passed out half naked Brit girl on the floor. She is no longer the international woman of mystery.
Randomize
