I thought you should know that you passed out in your trash can last night.
Thanks for throwing up on me.
Can't remember why I called but it definitely had something to do with Lou Bega
Does it count as a shower if I just sat in the tub singing I'm a Little Teapot?
I think my mom's writing a book called how to fuck with your kids when you know they're high
I woke up to my dog trying to clean my vagina.
she walked out and i tried to get her to come back but i couldn't remember her name so i just whistled... future reference: that doesn't work
People around me are just doing lines of cocaine. Like its no big deal. And I'm just here like.... Y'all want some cheezits?
Some old chick is rubbing my thigh and saying she needs some Memorial Day dick. Her teeth are kind of gross but I'm going for it.
I can feel my teeth in 4 dimensions. I shouldnt be this high at 8 in the morning.
He doesn't deserve you. Your ass looks 8 times better than his face ever will. Wanna order pizza and watch porn?
All I know is if i get a free preview weekend of HBO then I am recording Kindergarten Cop.
I'm very impressed by your ability to explain a story about your fiery snatch solely in emojis. props.
Woke up naked with a post-it that said "don't ask questions" on my ass...i know im not supposed to ask but uhm what did I do?
I wonder how horrible I look to customers. There's cuts all over my face and I can't talk.
What are the cuts from? Head-butting the bathroom light fixture?
Honestly that's best case scenario.
I've been eaten out in coupes, sedans, trucks, suv's, you name it. If I can do it in a smart car, you can do it in a vw beetle.
I knew you were the expert on doing it in public. You need to get paid for your advise
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