She highfived me after i yelled "I'm the clit-commander!" when i came. kevin smith fan and clearly a keeper
Go on vacation with her and forget to pack pants. I did that once and it worked like a charm.
Breakfast=the leftover margarita in my car. Have a great day.
I'm so disappointed in myself I can actually taste it.
Does it taste like semen?
I have got to stop singing on voicemails. I just left my dad a 6 minute musical message.
Okay. But I hope it isn't expensive lingerie. Because I'm ripping it off Hulk Hogan style.
I don't care if he was in that porno. He looked like he knew what he was doing.
I think now I understand why people say my penis is pretty.
she said she wouldn't go home with me until she looked up my name in her sex offender app. do i really give off that vibe?
Yeah. It's not just the beard either.
I'm at the bar, forgot my pants. Everyone's over reacting
She still didn't believe that he would cheat on her so I finally said "how else would I know that his batman mask is still in the back of his car from halloween?" I think she accepted it
My liver is fucking rocky. Get knocked down 7 times and gets up 8. World champ
His front door was open but I INSISTED on army crawling FOOT FIRST under the garage door. Then I peed the bed.
She's trying to change her flight... IM BEING COCKBLOCKED BY DELTA CUSTOMER SERVICE
At one point she put on my dads pants and yelled after him EMILIOOOO! Dude, my dads name is Mark.
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