My new storm is the chrons
The only reason I needed a new one is bc I threw up on my other one(248): And since Verizon doesn't have a throw up test, I was eligible for a new one
I'm drive I can fine osifer
She said I could do whatever I wanted to her. I pumped for 20 seconds, apologized, rolled over and passed out. I sit directly across from her at work. Awkward?
Someone wrote that you're a whore in one of the bathroom stalls
I didn't know I was popular enough to be hated. This is awesome
You tried to luge a beer down a flip flop.
I got to explain to the guys at work today how i had no choice but to go to a gay bar because I was handcuffed to a lesbian.
How bad is it I'm looking at his cock while waiting to see my therapist?
I can't help that I bring out the sex in people
HE STARTED HUMMING THE THEME TO STAR WARS!! WHILE I'M SUCKING HIS DICK!!
He was so aggressive it felt like he was giving my boob a root cannal
I was driving around a golf cart with a keg in the back before I got caught by the cops. First slow speed chase ever
My brain and heart say thanks but my vagina isn't super pleased with you right now
Screaming "dámelo" at the bottle of scotch was definitely my best and worst moment of Cinco de Mayo 2015.
There was a woman who drank mouth wash to get drunk during her supposed detox...this is def the internship for me!
Oh? And how would you explain this to your kids?
"Well pumpkin, when mommies and daddies have loved each other so much for a really long time, sometimes they trade off with other mommies and daddies"
Randomize
