Sometimes I wonder if my friend studies mystic Christian theology because he's afraid to come out of the closet. Evidently, it's okay to talk about God coming inside you, but not to say the same about dudes.
You wouldn't know anything about the tooth on ice in my freezer would you?
we just finished a porn and sex toy shopping spree. this is the fun part of "being serious"
Why doesn't he get that I would rather give him blow jobs than be in a relationship?
No. I want him to marry me so we can spend our lives together. I also want a to-scale model of his genitals to mount above my fireplace
Just Everbombed a Guiness to make up for cutting out early last night. Also the Mars probe. Happy birthday motherfucker!
Neil John just started open mouth kissing everyone to make sure they are safe.
You came running into my room at 4 in the morning yelling "SANCTUARY!" and flung yourself into bed.
Hmmm, sounds like a Jaeger night then. Did I at least get to be the little spoon?
I'm gonna play this game called Conquer the Dicks. I think it is self explanatory.
IM GOING TO SIT ON YOUR FACE AND CHANT 'I BELIEVE THAT WE WILL WIN'
You know i love you, but i just cannot fuck you until your eyebrow grows back. It's too hard not to laugh.
It makes my nipple hurt just thinking about it.
He saw me naked after our first date and still asked for a second.. so I think we’re doing good
There's wine in the fridge here. You could leave school and we could get day drunk.
That's my favorite drunk.
TSA doesn’t allow handcuffs in carryon bags. Super fun they confiscated them in front of my boss and coworker.
Randomize