one should ask oneself what kind of lifestyle one is leading when one finds a handprint of semen on their pillow the next day.
So I've only had a mustache for about 5 minutes and I'm already pretty sure it's the best decision I've ever made.
she said she was gay. i said prove it. she said "ok i wont fuck you"
i need to find a notary that isn't going to turn me in for blatantly lying to the us and chilean governments
I don't know which part of you thought this was funny but it's fucked up to wake up in that much fluff and now we don't have a couch. Fuck you.
At second job interview this week. Wearing pants to hide pole dancing bruises. This my life.
I made him say "i realize i'm cheating on my girlfriend" five times aloud before i would hook up with him. Somehow that has to lessen my bad karma
I know. But whatever I'll just eat cold pizza and play with my cats by candlelight
My landlord showed my apartment to a prospective tenant today and I had my vibrator and gun both chilling on my nightstand
I just made out with Ricky Ullman of Phil of the Future fame and I don't know what I'm doing anymore. Help.
I think I broke my hip playing drunk ping pong
Maybe is for pussies. We only say yes in this household
I've been called an asshole for a lot of things in my life, but I never thought it would be because of potatoes
But really, someone with a penis give me attention before I start posting nudes on Instagram.
That awkward moment when your drug dealer pulls your boss out of the snow
Randomize
