shit! I think I may have lost something in your car. Look for anything that can possibly belong to me, especially look out for a pair of pink panties in a ziplock. I lost my spare and you better find it before someone else does.
i'm sorry for cheering you on when you were making out with him. i was just celebrating the fact he was decent looking for once
Wow, nothing is more special than changing the channel and seeing the guy who groped you on Saturday night...
Blasting venetian snares and drinking a beer. I love being an adult. It's like being a child but with beer for breakfast, better music, and no one yells at you.
Siri just called me GayBoy in front of my family. I will destroy you.
You're always so generous when it comes to your dick.
I just want to like fall into a pit of hot wings beside a keg of yingling and eat my way to freedom
I might go to an NA meeting just to fuck that boy in the bathroom.
he kept insisting he didn't have my number, so i called his phone and my number came up as "yeaaaaaaaaah!"
I know it's just really hard to give up sex and cigs during a blizzard
2:34, make a wish! I wish I wasn't on acid at Planned Parenthood. What's yours?
Didn't realize he fucked me in a bed a dog is always in until my face swelled two sizes and I had hives all over my body. This is God's way of punishing me for having amazing sex.
Update: He still has devil magic genitals.
I hummed the theme from jaws while she was taking the pregnancy test....needless to say she was not pleased
You went into the bathroom, got in the tub with a pillow, yelled "this isn't as comfortable as it looks in the movies" then passed out
Randomize
