Don't make out with my wife yet
DUDE DUDE I JUST GOT TH E BEST IDEA FOR A CHILDRENS BOOK "If You Give A Girl A Blow Job"
i came out of my blackout when my grandma called last night. it kinda sobered me up and i realized who i had been making out with. should i call and thank her for the defensive cockblock?
Just thought to myself "I should practice shotgunning a beer before Wednesday." I don't think my GPA is going to like this semester.
Also, I just realized you seduced me while in a batman onesie... Well done, sir. Well done.
I don't understand why she gets annoyed by my drunk texts. It means she's who I'm thinking about even when my brain isn't functioning properly.
I'm not even pretending to study anymore. I'm straight up sleeping in the library
He came over last night and as soon as we started having sex Siri announced "you've arrived at your destination." I think it was some kinda sign
Your choices in alcohol this weekend are thoroughly disappointing
so you 69ed him in the parking lot of your apartment
yah I won't allow him in my apartment
I have no reason to put on pants anymore. This is my new reality.
long story short, the bouquet was used as a sacrificial torch
Its a shame I cant put 'bomb ass head game' on my resume.
What did we do last night and why in the fuck were there carrots in my pocket?
I’ve wanted to home wreck him since their wedding. It was a dream come true
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