i think i should save myself the $200 for a prom dress. i mean why bother. its just going to be covered in vodka/jizz/and puke by the end of the night.
My niece just threw up all over me. My sister's breastmilk was on my face. This is like a fucked-up porno gone terribly wrong.
A true measure of a good friend is how long she responds to her friends drunken illogical texts. Youre a champ.
drunk enough to think that masterbating in the pool is an awesome idea
i think i have that disease where you wake up in strange places drunk.
im trying to find a facebook picture of him that doesnt make me regret sleeping with him. its not working
how you manage to cockblock me from 500 miles away still baffles me.
I'm stoned and just shared 4 cookies with this chicks dog
They're raisins though so they're healthy. No worries.
Ok- my dad's ex-wife's Irish nephew. Weird if we fuck or not?
I swear to god, my hangover cure is a green tea and a 15 minute twerkout. works every time
It's like sexual waterboarding. You gave me sex so good I'm comparing it to torture. Jesus.
The fact that you got a stranger guy to buy you a pizza off tinder makes me feel amazing
Sabotage it. Cum quick. Make it awkward so you don't hurt her feelings. Who says nice guys finish last?
idk i was trying to watch Fuller House and you got up out of a dead sleep, just in your boxers, said "no more Dave Coulier" and walked out to the living room and unplugged the router
But I don't see you as the jesus riding a dinosaur with a machine gun type of guy
Randomize
