Oh shit, I think we need to get you a hobby that doesn't include penises
If you borrow your friends real doll, should you wear a condom?
PS- did you die? If you did just text "dead" to me, so that I know.
It had been so long since my last time that it was easily a double helping of stomach pancakes. I think she was mildly impressed.
I just saw a girl in Albersons in spandex and curlers buying PBR. Only PBR.
We found your brother, passed out, floating in our pool, with a bottle, on a blow up mattress. How did he mange to walk 2 blocks and get into our backyard?
you really dont want me to drink and drive. you saw what i did to my face and that was only from walking
I told you, I don't give a SHIT about their music. I JUST. WANT. TO FUCK. THE BASSIST.
You were outside cuddling a rock singing Bohemian Rhapsody.
it is shots o' clock and I am never late
Walking around as slutty Ron Swanson is amazing
he offered me cocaine within 5 minutes of my arrival. yes of course i'm keeping him
I'm pretty sure I went in the girls bathroom and vomited everywhere then looked for a urinal for like 20 minutes
He said he couldn't fuck me cause I kinda looked like my brother
You told your boyfriend he needed to fuck you in the tree because it would make you guys one with nature.
Did he?
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