I just woke up to a lawnchair covered in lipstick. I'm wearing red lipstick. What happened and is the tequila?
You just compared our sex life to a seven year old kid.
I acted like I was still sleeping as she gathered her stuff to leave.. that's when she let one rip
His texts read Like a 15 year olds diary.
We're not too concerned with getting her out of jail. We're on a mission for donuts.
He warned me he may piss the bed. I'm oddly okay with this.
More likely there's a very shell-shocked cat wandering around somewhere, covered in potato peelings
But please don't judge me if i smell like mustard
I gave you head at the stadium on a Thursday night ESPN game. That damn well better be worth points on the score board!!!
Of dear god, I've been waiting to have rug burn like this since I got bored of my vibrator 2 months ago
Go big or go home. i snuck in two beers in my bra. im here to win.
lesson learned.. dressing up like a naughty teacher doesn't mean you can get away with spanking a cop with a ruler for being "fresh" with you
Accidentally made a straight guy question his sexuality again. I really gotta watch myself.
Well, I hope you're having fun. I'm just gonna lay here and wait for death - shouldn't be long now.
I was taking a nap and she comes in wo/ pants, gets up on the bed and mounts my face while watching Weeds on Netflix. I'm okay with it, but at least let me wake up first.
Randomize
