im so drunk with asians
where?
always
I saw a seagull swallow a hot-dog whole today, it reminded me of you.
I just used my thong as a hair tie. I think I reached my limit.
I'm pretty sure you're not supposed to hit on someone with another guy's semen in your hair. not even at ihop.
Here's the thing. I'm really high and have lots of questions about lightning.
you were passed out in your cheese fries by the time he brought out your second order of french toast.
These hangoverless Sunday mornings are becoming too regular.
Missed another period
I almost hope you're pregnant, this is unfair.
we're about an hour out, how's the weather?
cloudy with a chance of strippers and cocaine, you're favorite. welcome home.
Dong worry about me. I just cashed bottle of wine when I found out he was in town, I'm being dramatic. I'll text you tomorrow when I'm sober and my face stops bleeding
I have to stop drunkenly making out with guys just because they're tall or have a beard.
Hey, who is this? Sorry, you're in my phone as "you better remember".
She described me as " a caterpillar of adorable quietness that exploded into a slutty butterfly" She definitely nailed it there
I feel like I should pray to the god of Febreze, because it is like it washes away the smell of all my sins from the bed
I'm eating dinner with his parents and my phone goes "MOVE BITCH GET OUT THE WAY!" Thanks.
Randomize
