Hey it's Austin.
I am not drunk enough for this conversation.
everything is bigger in texas. Including my drinking problem.
he said i look beautiful when i cum. i think i'm in love.
she read insantiy as in-nast-tit-ty and asked what the hell does that mean...
According to google history I spent most of last night trying to buy an elephant.
Chinatown. Her fortune cookie said "accept the next proposition you receive." TELL ME NO NOW.
You called in. Quitter. You stayed at home naked drinking again didnt you.
I'm pretty sure at any given moment you could wring out my liver and get a couple of shots of jäger.
And we just chatted casually as i peed on the floor and she peed in the toilet
I feel like at this point in my life I should be dating someone who doesn't run out of all his money on Mondays and have to wait til fridy to buy his weed
I went from looking for a bong to home decor in a 10 minute span. This is what being an adult is all about!
The twitch Bob Ross stream is the happiest little hangover cure ever.
Its the damn oven. I think it wants to eat me.
What's an appropriate gift to bring to my boyfriend's wife's baby shower?
Shame?
My new gym is popular with trophy wives. They’re talking about yachts and plastic surgery
Learn their secrets! I want to meet men with Maseratis. The meat heads and Mustangs scene is getting old
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