The guy asked if i had a problem w/set schedules
worst 3rd wheel sitch ever. i'm crammed into a booth with him and chubs mcgee and his hand is between her legs. thank youuu karma.
So I'm really hungover walking to work and these douches from comcast on bikes ask if they can take a picture with me to show that they're doing their job. The picture: me, this chick from comcast, i'm holding a 2 ft. pixie stick, a comcast flyer and i'm puking in the parking lot. sounds like their doing a good job!
I'm like connect-the-dots of drunk. Whiskey, bourbon, vodka, rum, gin. The hidden picture is me faceplanting.
Almost accidentally stole a baby... explain later
She said her first boyfreind was so small she is still technically a virgin.
the last thing i remember is ordering pitchers of white russians....
I hope you remember pushing the girl off the stage because you said she wasn't good at pole dancing.
We stuck the straw in the bourbon as a joke, you saw it as a challenge.
I still can't believe he came down from his hiding place in the tree voluntarily because he didn't want us to have to talk to the cops alone...
I be dancing. See you soon. You can drink tequila from my pants.
Friend as in 'I used to have sex with her' or friend as in 'I still want to have sex with her'?
You know you've been on Tinder too long when you're the guy cropped out of the profile pic. Of a woman you're still seeing...
Had sex outside for the third time last night. Mosquito bites all over my ass, and i think i have a rash on my nipples. When will i learn.
Just wait till winter
I’ve seen not one, but three Facebook articles on my feed today about “how to eat ass”. Idk what the universe is trying to tell me but it’s needs to chill
Randomize
