my professor just told me i smelt like a brewery infront of my whole class b4 my final presentation
So I'm banging this nun...
Isn't that how all good stories start? I like it already...
if my vagina gave out awards, he should be preparing acceptance speaches for the oscar, the heisman and the nobel peace prize.
I'm drinking early times at a fridays on wednesday night. This entire bar is going to see my dick by last call.
you know you've made it when it's your own pool table you're waking up on
I ended up with a bullet proof vest and I still don't know his last name.
I just melted my phone trying to make cookies. I think that's a sign.
You played a drinking game to fat people crying. It's a long climb to the moral high ground, why bother?
Cops are just so fun an beautifuk
I'm going to text my booty call and tell him nevermind, that I got the job finished by myself. That will teach him to text back faster.
This lesson is brought you by a psychology class.
Why is the clock ticking so loud? Now I know how Captain Hook feels.
My aunt left me alone with the instructions to "get waisted" by the time she returns. I love drunk aunt.
Does he know you were at a strip club taking shots of tequila right before you babysat his son?
I can't. I'm going camping this weekend. I do have a life outside of your dick.
Oh god establish a safe word
I'm going to! Pineapple.
Randomize
