So while she was giving me a lap dance I told her I quit med school. Just so she didn't feel like the only one who's made bad decisions in their life.
either she was really happy we won flip cup, or she was too drunk to notice her boyfriend behind her.
I showed remarkable dignity in such a compromising situation. Except I came off as sort of a blue ball giver.
did i paint my nails blue or do i need to make a trip to the ER?
Fucking plugged the shower with taquitos I just threw up.
You are NEVER going to guess whose penis was JUST in my mouth!!!
I'll give you a hint, we ate paste with him in kindergarten.
I got laughed at by a homeless guy in a Daniel Boone hat. I have no clue what this means for my day
there's no way I could forget finding someone else's hand in my pants
How high is the bridge and how deep is the water and what are the chances I will get arrested
So he got the TA job but i told him its not official until we have a quickie on his desk. He offered to break into his office. He doesnt start until this fall.
Today is a shit your pants at work kinda day
Dude, if that was the MLB player I think it was leaving your bedroom this morning please tell me you got his autograph. It could pay the rent for like six months.
I'm glad you enjoyed the night but why were you calling me "daddy"?
What, so now you are his nutritionist and his fuck buddy?
Listen, I love you but you cannot refer to your dick as the holy sister anymore
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