Heyy I kind of wanted to apologize and excuse myself for last night. I feel like that was a little much. I just met you. That's why I don't like tequila. Haha
If I die today, promise to let the world know I partied.... oh god did I party
My mom just told me that the key to a successful marriage is never seeing your partner take a shit.
Just applied online. Cant stop hiccupping. May be drunk. Hope they liked my smiley faces.
You know how my eyes change color? Well I noticed after I hook up with someone my eyes are greener.
Wow, so you're like the Edward Cullen of sluts.
i think i would be more confident if i were chinese.
giving a 30 min presentation still drunk is like giving birth, upside down in a pit of snakes while being on fire.
As I was leaving the drunk tank the cop told me he had a feeling we would be meeting again real soon.
Saturday dinner is funfetti cake and merlot. Singlehood has come to this.
I can't tell if the dead thing in the yard is a deer or the guy I slept with last night...
He just said his penis sings like Mariah Carey...Im going with drunken.
How'd the date with the redheaded dentist go?
She didn't like my gingervitis joke
I'm going to give you the best blowjob of your life. And yes you can use my mom's printer.
I have no idea what happened last night but I sobered up whilst showering with a mop.
It took him 15 minutes to put the condom on.
Randomize
