Life lesson: when driving and throwing up, choose a paper bag over plastic. Fuck my life.
I can see why you broke up with her now... it was like having sex with a corpse.
I'm sorry. I think I have multiple personalities. Or it was the acid. Either way. I'm sorry.
My neighbors are outside blasting Hootie and the Blowfish while drunkenly hitting a stump with a hammer. I could get used to this.
Ed's in which sucks about a thousand cocks... But thats 1800 less than working with Alex so it's gonna be a good day
I just had to take a picture of someone whose testicles are bigger than my fists combined. Living the dream.
I just compared his sexting to a plate of spaghetti. And he STILL wants to sleep with me.
I love 4am trips to the ER. I feel so responsible for actually making it all the way here.
He called some chick he used to fuck for cash to get food delivered to cheer me up
I got back and Katie was asleep holding a burrito. I woke her up and she ate it and passed back out.
A guy just picked up ur brother and carfied him away singing and im slight concern
ok so i took my anxiety medication and i'm eating junior mints and i think my vagina will be ok
So how do I get back in good graces for trying to trade you for superbowl tickets?
THE FASTEST WAY TO MY HEART IS THROUGH FAMILY SIZED BAGS OF GENERIC BRAND CHEESE BALLS
We are not having sex in the fucking kindergarten
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