the fundamentals of my vasectemy are strong
If I die tonight, I want you to know that your sister is awesome in bed
we should become lesbians. not together. just in general.
After we hooked up, he left the room and no one has seen him since last night. That kid redefined hit it and quit it.
He told everyone he was going inside...an hour later we get a knock on the garage door from some dude telling us a guy is passed out on the lawn and we should get him inside because it's about to rain
let's just say if he has a penis and he hypothetically needs to put it somewhere... i would take care of that for him.
I would have gladly let him decapitate me with the way he was biting on my neck.
He keeps texting me videos of fish swimming in his fish tank, so I think it's safe to say he's back on weed.
We're just Facebook friends. Use guy logic. I tapped your wife in high school, 20 years and 60 lbs ago, when she was hot and experimental. Why would I mess with that now? It would ruin the vivid memories of her that I keep in my spank bank.
I will find you...
Well you were hungry, by then you cried and called yourself a basic bitch for eating crackers
MEAN GIRLS IS ON NETFLIX! I REPEAT, MEAN GIRLS IS ON NETFLIX! THIS IS NOT A DRILL! I LITERALLY NOW HAVE TO CANCEL ALL OF MY WEEKEND PLANS.
I just want to sit my fat ass down at McDonald's and never leave
The only person more miserably hungover from the party is the dog, and that's because he ate some balloons
I need to stop acting like a porn star that isn't getting paid
You should probably come home from vacation now. I make badddd decisions when you're gone.
Randomize
