Really stoned
just sent my roommate on a cheese run
I had to puke in a pizza box on the drive home. People saw.
no matter how many times i close my eyes and hit ignore on my phone. i must remind myself shit i still have to see her at work
the jail released me with 39 mardi gras beads. I need details.
You covered in salsa con queso would take care of all of my cravings right now
I told her the maid must have stolen all my condoms. She bought it
I swear the pregnant cashier was jealous when I bought my plan B
Apparently I used ziplock bags to smuggle my drink out with. By pouring it in one, then cut the corner like it was an icing bag later that night. What is wrong with me?
She told me she loves her boyfreind while she was giving me head. He must be a nice guy
Some guy just showed up at my door to return my bikini top. EXPLAIN NOW
It's like bringing a chick home from the bar the night before and waking up to thinking you are about to go another round... Just to wake up and find she's already left...
All I do lately is eat steak, drink warm beer, watch porn, and avoid booty calls when I'm too lazy to take a shower. I think the apocalypse turned me into a dude.
If I ever look like I'm about to have a repeat of last night, hit me. Just smack me as hard as you can.
Currently sifting through all the dick pics and nudes for a picture of my dad and I to post on social media for Father's Day...
Woke up with a grilled cheese in my hand, it was like god giving me a high five for the night before
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