It's a beautiful day for a hangover
I Just realized that having a picture folder that says "not for mom" may give off the wrong impression to wondering eyes
At least he could have found a MILF, she's a dbl bagger. No wonder he goes to counseling.
Yeah..you can't spell Prozac without Zac(h).
i told my boss i want to eat her tits. 90 percent sure i'm getting fired
and then she judged me for using my bra as a potholder. hard times my friend, welcome to college.
Didn't get to fuck her. Had to leave abruptly through window. Explain later.
It's like....nice talking about real estate but your son gave me herpes
Also, as my manager i'm going to put you in charge of making sure i don't drown.
Tequila Tuesdays need to not carry on throughout the week. Having a sad Saturday
Did you know there is a guy on the porch, wrapped in your snuggie, singing no woman no cry and drinking wine coolers?
Someone's vagina was extra sandy cause the left side of my bed feels like the beach.
He stumbled in drunk at 7am, while we were getting ready for work. He poured a bowl of Cap'n Crunch, poured Jack Daniels on it., and said he was having "Captain Jack" for breakfast. I don't know how he's alive and employed. I hope the Cap'n calls in sick for him today.
I just sang Hey Jude with a homeless man and then we drank beer together. Then I watched asians take pictures under a xmas tree for an hour and fell asleep in an MGM Grand bathroom stall. #AloneinVegas
I just set up a proportion to calculate how much Jolly Rancher vodka I can make with the limited amount of Jolly Ranchers I have. Finally, real-life application of math.
For a guy who came before his dick was out of his pants, he gave surprisingly good head.
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