I'm blazed at jack in the box and my order number is 420. I wish everything in the world made this much sense.
On a side note, I now know what a $150 cab ride looks like
The movie was so bad she gave me two blowjobs. Two.
Also, last night I had a dream that I was in a victoria's secret fashion show and they made me wear a t-shirt over my lingerie. Spring dieting begins now.
I feel like wearing underwear would just be poor planning
listening to happy ending by mika while imagining him to run after me at an aiport in slow motion... also, dipping oreos in baileys. not taking this breakup well. at. all.
We simultaneously blacked out then simultaneously came to then simultaneously had sex with the neighbors. We're definitely meant to be roommates.
so exactly what is concert sex etiquette? Before, during or after???
all of the above
Law school has no idea what kind of prospect they have coming in. I just convinced a cop not to take me to jail by asking him if he really felt like cleaning puke out of his car tonight.
Wow i don't think I've had to send this many texts apologizing for my behavior since high school...
Yeah, I only wore tennis shoes under the gown. Way cooler than khakis and a shirt, but much more awkward when my parents wanted to go to dinner immediately after the ceremony and my grandmother started to unzip the gown. Stopped her before it was too late, but barely. My dad just rolled his eyes.
We're snowed in with only two condoms. This will literally be valentines day russian roullette.
Things he's good at: oral sex and geometry. Things he's not good at: actual sex.
And since we used to fuck you are absolutely obligated to like my tweets
her and her boyfriend kept giving me coke ad kissing me talking about my awesome boobs
Randomize
