Without porn, I would have few hobbies.
You wouldn't stop asking the hibachi cook if his knife was a hattori hanzo
There's some strange man with hair that keeps talking to us. I'm scared.
This is how horror movies start. Going to bar with strange hair guy. He's paying. Bad idea?
Ditched hair man. Got free cab ride to market. Want food. I win.
I just puked in the walgreens aisle buying gatorade and advil for my hangover... i guess i failed
well this feels familiar. awake at the crack of dawn laying in the fetal position praying for the sweet release of death. i think im done with jager for a while
Talking about the game in the closet with a banana wearing sunglasses.
why is my forehead so bruised?
i found you outside knocking on the door with your head because you couldn't lift your arms.
What's grosser: using a dirty sex towel as an oven mitt? or using the oven to reheat superbowl bean dip for dinner?
You're gonna judge me.
Howd you sleep with him already
You don't want any of I have. Seriously. Its 80 proof rum that was 8 bucks for a liter. I'm afraid
I'm sure your liver is writing out a will as we speak
My mom asked me if I ever go on dates. I had to suppress the urge to ask if having casual sex with a freshmen counts as dating
The last thing I searched on my phone was "leave in conditioner on cats." This is where my life is.
I woke up with a hangover and a man bun. Reached over to drink water and accidentally chugged raspberry vodka. So there's that.
I caught myself caressing my own hand while nurturing a glass of bourbon. I think it's time to get back out there.
He took my Spanx off and still fucked me twice. I call that success.
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