You know, if there were no such thing as marriage, i don't think porn would exist.
your brother just told me that Guinness is the first book of the Bible...
what you doin?
I just woke up vomited poured myself a chocolate milk and turned on the peoples court. you?
reread what you just wrote and reconsider your entire life
I accidentally screamed the wrong name last night. He stopped for a second, said "fuck it, you're too hot to care," and then continued fucking me.
You wouldn't know anything about the tooth on ice in my freezer would you?
It feels like im being cuddled by a thousand little smurf vaginas
When he goes down on me, he stares me in the eyes like a shark mocking it's prey as it devours it. Plus, his beard smells like dirty gym socks. This has got to end.
Also. This Ativan makes me feel fearless. I think we need an exciting new hobby for when we take it. How do you feel about ghost hunting?
I woke up smelling like chlorine with a broke toe. They know how to fucking party on lake lanier.
I feel like I got ass raped in the brain.
Ryan Reynolds is on sesame street right now. Dressed as a letter A but still sexy as fuck. PBS is so considerate of the stay at home mom.
I threw up in my room. And I cleaned it up with a spatula.
It only takes one line of cocaine, and you try to shotput a fucking kitchen table
His abs are so defined he looks like a human xylophone.
I’m ready to be reckless and make stupid decisions, and I need you to support me in that.
A drag queen just ate a dollar out of my ass. I don't know which one of us has hit rock bottom
Randomize
