just took a shot of grandma at the fucking bowling alley... this is going to be interesting
I'm at some bar in brklyn... just made out with a guy named Owen.
He is a pre-school teacher... just sang me a song about weather.
My "High Times" magazine came in today, as well as my girlfriend's new sex toys. We're calling in sick today.
Last night drunk me texted a sure to be hungover me my class schedule and locations for today. I'm like a mom preparing her child for the first day of school
My student's should feel privledged to see me tuesday after the amount of alcohol I consumed this weekend.
I am literally using a balloon as a pillow on a park bench.
One good thing about being a mom now, I can tell which guys I'm dating were breastfed and which weren't... By the way they latch on to my breast during sex! Kinda kills the mood.
We got back from Mcdonalds and literally 5 minutes of being in your room, you wanted to go back because "We haven't been yet."
I'm glad that even though we are states apart our whorish hearts beat as one
In the future, could you not call me 'bro' while we're having sex?
I know I'm moving in six days but getting wine drunk and laying in bed just sounds so good right now
I promise not to pretend to be Jesus and take the wheel. But to my credit you shouldn't be saying that while I'm that drunk and we are in a car.
He started yelling terms of endearment at a cheese sandwich. Then he tried to hump it.
Between randomly bursting into tears and the reappearance of my lost sex drive, this break up has left me bizarrely damp.
Intelligence report: the hot sister called you gross, the sweet sister says you're dumb, and the smart sister says all the other men she knows would have to die for her to hook up with you.
Randomize
