dude, i think i am in a porno. I was working out at the hotel gym and some chick was doing yoga and a guy comes up and says "good, now i know your flexible" then they started making out. WTF?
Ur keys r in ur purse. ur purse is on the couch. ur cigs r on ur front seat. u drank all ur wine. mollie took ur jkt bc u cockblocked her. and in case anyone asks, the saints won 31-17.
Just had a drunken guest at my hotel threaten to "throw a fuckin fireball at my face"
Just wana tell you im wearing assless jorts tonight. Ive been waiting my whole life for this.
Secondly, that waffle is lost for good. I have no fucking idea where that bitch is
he told me it was like eating gods vagina.
You force fed me pizza in bed last night. That was fun
I just imagined you going baby-crazy and trying to shove him up into your uterus. Yes, I'm aware he's 7 years old.
I walked into a room this morning and someone asked how my back was because I apparently threw myself off the porch after attempting to set myself on fire. Who the fuck let drunk me play with fire?!
Better question: who the fuck planted a tree next to the porch?!
I don't remember much and some girl almost convinced me to jump off the bridge while she held my stuff...
I think I should just be a madame. Fuck it.
I'm just gonna post fliers on telephone poles like, "who wantsta be a hooooooe?!"
That moment when you realize the hot british guy named rory you drunkenly made out with at a bar is American, is named Tyler, and has a girlfriend.
Next time you decide to go downstairs hungover, please warn me. I now have to explain to twenty eight year olds why you were naked.
If you're with any of them tell them i apologize for (insert whatever i did here)
Can you explain the Transformers set up for battle in my living room?
Randomize