this is a mass text: i just made a grilled cheese with an iron and pasta with the coffeemaker in the hotel room. bow before your new god.
Practice the "sorry I may have given you herpes" conversation with me before I call him and break the news
my mom just told me its unladylike to have toothpaste stains on my clothes all the time.. if she only knew.
Tell your boyfriend I'm sorry for ruining his vein. I'm never drawing blood drunk again.
after we had sex he told me his original plan was to have sex with my roommate but his buddy likes her so i was backup
He's got serious oatmeal ass...take a moment and admire how google voice to text was able to detect oatmeal ass....twice
How does one chug a beer and swing the bottle at someone in a single motion? This guys a beer ninja man
Do you think you're physically and mentally capable of killing me? Because I'd really appreciate it.
I fell asleep on the floor again. i dont want help, just a pillow. its kind of nice down here.
Drug test isn't today. Now I'm just sitting in this orientation with a bag of your piss in my pants
I just had a dream that I was fighting Donald Trump... Gotta stop watching the news before bed
I am just High Enough to train A-Team of bodybuilding squirrels MMA techniques to tear you asunder. And it's not that I want to is just don't you make me do it!
MASS TEXT: Next weekend I will be in town for St. Patty's day. There will be a bonfire and liqour olympics. We will have booze but in order to participate it is byob. Upon arrival everyone will be asked to sign a waiver. I am not responsible for liver failure, death, loss of clothing or memory, bites, scratches, hickies, pregnancies, or any other for of injury you may obtain while participating. There will be ridiculous amounts of green glitter, be prepared to puke it up. ALSO WEAR SOMETHING GREEN OR YOU WILL BE PENALIZED!! AUTOMATIC 5 SHOTS. HAPPY GAMING!!!
Could’ve gone my whole life not seeing a man snort coke off another man’s cock... but there it is...
Gonna do a few lines then clean my room so I can feel like my life is somewhat in order.
Randomize
