We stole some shitttt from king sooper's. fuck yeaaa
what did you steal
frozen pizza, cat litter, and preperation H. not much different than my usual grocery list.
Do you feel like you missed out a little from not getting crabs in college?
New thing to add to the list of never wanted to talk about with my grandma: sweating in ur crouch and vag area
Then she called me a home wrecking whore.
dont they live in a condo? that doesnt count.
All was going smooth until he pulled a condom out of his collection he kept in a Cheesy Gordita Crunch Box from Taco Bell.
Man, the last time I saw you you were giving me a thumbs up while being pulled out the bar by your belt from some girl.
Opened my wallet to find a slice of ham with a phone number written on it in sharpie.
Most sexually ambiguous night of my life. Kept switching from the NBA finals to the Tonys.
The least you could do before I go into your room is throw away the condom wrapper from the other girl I know you're banging.
I just threw up on the floor. And we're gonna fuck on the beer pong table, so keep everyone upstairs.
Did I run away from you last night?
Yeah it was a great moment for our friendship
Just peed off a cliff while playing white snake on my phone. Close enough?
I'm about to smoke a joint alone, do you want to FaceTime and pretend you're smoking it too?
After my shift today I'm going on a bender. Not saying this so you'll stop me, just a heads up to invest in Tylenol, Gatorade, and Jack
I'm so drunk and angry about the Michigan game the fact of my relationship being over doesn't matter
Randomize
