No, I'm a firm believer in "Swallow or it isn't love."
answer the phone. i thought i was eating cheese but it was butter. i ate a lot of it.
Housekeeping called in a homicide detective. Just spent an hour explaining that we had vigorous hotel vacation sex five times, even though I was having a heavy flow day. It'll definitely be what you call a memorable honeymoon.
I can't right now...you know Sunday night is whn I get drunk and do laundry.
Ladystoner tip: if eyes are bloodshot, lime green eyeliner makes them appear less red. its basic artt.
Do you think they make a "sorry in my drunken debauchery I dropped a pumpkin off the balcony and you happened to be standing right there/get well soon" card?
Am I the only one that feels like there are hundreds of tiny people having a rave and stomping and kicking around inside my head this morning?
I got tossed from adult league soccer for telling a 55 year old I'd break his hip. I'm a productive member of society
Just saw a couple chasing each other on lawn mowers. Oh South Knoxville.
When you wake up, I have a unicorn coloring book, crayons, mini cupcakes, and booze.
Ran into a tinder match at the bar last night. We spotted each other and started making out without speaking any words to each other. Fuck yea technology!
When you accidentally text the wrong guy for a dick pic and your surprised you get one In return. He just got on my "to do" list
Sorry I bailed on you yesterday. I was propositioned.
And you don't turn down margaritas and oral.
I woke up under the stretchy sheet like the corners were still stuck under the bed. I had to wiggle the corners off in order to get up. I was trapped. how did that happen
He tried to throw up into a beer bottle. It was a complete disaster. Vomit went everywhere. It put the Bellagio's fountain to shame.
Randomize
