just to let you know I saw you texting some Kim chick, and facebook saying she's ugly... good job you're gay now
the only reason I knew his name is because half way through I looked up and it was tatooed on his chest.
Woke up. Made a pizza. Burnt it. Going back to bed cuz today sucks
Last night I walked out of the bar got in a cab asked the cabi to circle the block. he did and brought me right back to the bar. I paid him $7 thanked him and walked back into the bar.
I can't decide who is the bigger alcoholic: you for opening that bottle of wine just now or me for hearing it in the other room over the air conditioner
She asked if I could convince him so shave that shit off his face so he'll have a snowball's chance in hell of getting laid.
As your attorney I advise you to rage rapidly
We got really stoned and then we fucked. Then he made me a panini.
Oooh, he sounds pretty classy
Actually, not at all. We were stoned so he made me a peanut butter panini. With a Rollo in the middle of it. And he left the panini press on all night. I could have died.
I have to confess something, I may or may not have knocked on your window at 2:30 am while balancing on some guys hands. We found tequila.
Are u guys proud? I puked my brains out last night at a strip club. While my two fave strippèrs held my hair
Congrats on graduating and I'm in a cab and need someone to helps keeping me up, do you mind
I need to you to send me drugs via FedEx
Every Easter every single one the baby Jesus butt plug comes up
You know you have an interesting job when you go to work and have to Google search "How to get poop out of a dryer".
he's trapped himself under a bed and is screaming at a robot dog to give him a blowjob
Randomize
