i had a dream last night that you and i organized a foursome. swear to god
ps i'll be in miami in early july. this text has no relation to the last one
I love how girls just decide that guys who don't like them must be gay
I do the same thing. If a girl doesn't like me...I am like, "i must be gay"
what do 4 police cars, 1 ambulence, and 2 fire truycks have in common?.... My driveway
I have more bruises, scratches, and overall soreness from my birthday weekend than my car accident.
apparently dick flashing is a frowned upon sport here..... sorry girlfriends mom
im breathing rainbows and everyone is talking in bubbles whatever you gave me give me more
Is shaving my mustache contingent on you sleeping over tonight?
I don't care if there's a party or not. I just want to be half naked in a cape with a never-ending supply of alcohol within arm's length at all times. Make it happen.
we shared soup. that is literally the extent of my romantic life right now
I'm on my way back with the wine... And a puppy. It was free.
I found out his moms name, maiden name, profession, and office location, his dads name and profession, his home phone, picture of their house, all of his work profiles, and the cost of their house. All I'm trying to do is find his damn twitter
Totally thought something squeezed my boob. Then I remembered I was wearing a bra. Isn't weed great?
If I die write a nice eulogy and bury me with my star wars bobbleheads
I cannot belive our party caught on fire
color coded lube a great way to organize my bootie calls
Randomize
