oh. my. god. the guy i hooked up with last night is currently wearing a dress.
It says i should accept HIV aids as my friend on facebook.We have 12 friends in common. I need new friends.
I just passed on expense account drinking, this must be the worst hangover ever.
it's like her boobs came off with her bra
I think I just agreed to be an escort for an Asian guy who's gonna be in the city next weekend before he moves back to Shanghai...
I want to be done crawling through windows but the sex is too good to stop...but I'm running out of excuses for where the bruises on my legs are coming from.
HOLY FUCK I JUST GOT WOKEN UP BY THUNDER!!!!!
I THINK I SHARTED
Might be time to reevaluate my life. Banned from red roofs inns. Apparently I puked in ice machine. 3 hotels in a year.
I LIKE NICE BOXERS OKAY!? COMBINED WITH A GLORIOUS DICK JUST MAKES THIS EVEN BETTER. WE MOVE IN TOGETHER AND THAT PIC'S GETTIN FUCKING FRAMED.
No one's ever called me intergalactic cocksucker, before.
What does it say about me that I feel completely charmed right now?
Just put me in your contacts as coyote
Just test drove the kilt for Justin's wedding. NEVER. WEARING. PANTS. AGAIN.
We have GOT to stop getting stoned and going out for expensive dinners.
My concern for you and peanut butter is the reason I am still awake.
You know what sucks about being drunk at 4 pm? Not a god damn thing.
Randomize
