So there are ramen noodles in the shower you need to explain...
That still doesn't explain why you thought it was a good idea to paint a cow on my guitar
Well after last night it's official...I cannot die...it time to use this power for good instead of handle contests
Her roommate texted her and told her that her cat died. Now she's double-fisting bottles of wine while howling and wailing her dead cat's name. Not how I pictured this booty call.
Breakfast tacos?
YOU ARE A FOUNTAIN OF GREAT IDEAS
Just dont tell him. Tell him you colored your vagina for breast cancer awareness month. He will understand.
I forgot how wholesome of a place a park is when youre not drinking there.
You grabbed her hand and started jacking her finger off. She was horrified.
Did it finish?
I need to do something profound in the next three and a half years so that when my kids ask what I did in my twenties I have something to say other than "made bad decisions"
I hate cuddling. I also hate when people breathe. Which he did, a lot. So he can go to hell.
It was drunk tag. I was Alice in wonderland chasing a ballerina who was chasing Lance Armstrong who had needles in his arms.
You pissed off the back deck while listening to the national anthem from your phone screaming America Fuck Yea to my neighbors
wait did i hook up with someone in mcdonalds last night?
I'm worried about how taking care of my mom's dog while being on acid will go.
Somehow my boobs came up in conversation AGAIN last night and I'm still not getting laid...
Randomize
