Just tried to put my sweatpants on backwards...the chances of passing my physics exam just went down about 100%.
Look at the bright side...I have an 11 inch penis
There's half of a squirrel in the bathtub - i figured you'd be the one to go to.
we didnt even have break up sex...
you had it for us with someone else...
Fuck you, jack daniels. I feel like satan laid an egg in my brain.
omg I just had an epiphany about why I grew into such a whore....
HAVE YOU EVER NOTICED WHAT THE SPICE GIRLS USED TO WEAR?!? those were my idols, I never stood a chance
they sound like some classy girls.
Hey, I don't give them daddy issues, I just take advantage of it. The real bad guy here is American parenting.
Um, you were throwing up the shocker symbol in front of all of the wedding guests during the best man's speech. No wonder the groom thinks we're bad
Did you blackout Saturday before or after we had sex in a random snow bank?
I shaved my pussy for you. If you complain about a single hair that I missed again, you will be greeted by a bush the next time you go down on me and i will MAKE YOU KEEP GOING
Do you always skip to "Baby Got Back" when fat girls show up at the bar?
Dude. I've been high for so many hours now that I'm just accepting this as my new reality.
I woke up in a bunk bed beside two Brazilians dude you have no idea how happy I was
i am craving dick and cupcakes
It was the scariest thing ever having a flame that close to my balls...
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