I would wrestle an alligator for a bj right now
There is something about drinking on a golf course and getting with younger women that just really makes me feel at home.
I just found out the FDA voted to ban Vicodin, my last connection to this world has been destroyed
im bored tell me something entertaining
You got period blood on my carpet. I lied to my mom and said it was jam.
Contrary to what peaches says, you can't fuck the pain away. Full story later. Have a good morning, buddy.
Asking the cop for directions wearing a lion mask may not have been my best moment...
Oh wait looks like my cousin is getting deported THERE'S HOPE FOR THIS CHRISTMAS YET
I got us a lift home. Payment may require me giving road head, are you cool just chilling in the back seat pretending to be oblivious to this happening?
you're expensive. Idk about all this. What happened to free make outs?
Sobriety and mild self-respect
you invented a new sport called "bacon pulling" and you cried everytime a piece broke
I've had to do a couple req orders today and I would like to submit to you an order form to requisition DAT ASS
I don't know if we can compare high school reunions anymore. The keg stands started before 7.
If they could bottle a hangover it would taste exactly like lemon lime Gatorade and failed hopes and dreams
I know I drink too much cuz "ssssjllapph peneinssesss" automatically comes up in my phone now.
I love you, but seriously, that was way too long a thesis on an Arby’s curly fry being wrapped around schlong!
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