I have two black x marks on my hands.
Yep you got cut off last night after a stripper bent over in front of you and you screamed very loudly 'I can see your soul from here'
damnit I wish I could remember that.
okay I may or may not have wrapped my body pillow up in your t-shirt and sprayed it with your axe and am now spooning with it.
again? I'm starting to get a little creeped out now.
Me + Nice restaurant + Copious amounts of booze + obscene comments to couples = valentine's day plans
i just googled the alphabet. i couldnt remember if it was jklomnop or jklmnop.
There was no way out of it, seeing as I left my photo ID right next to the vomit.
so... the fat chick just walked over, shook my hand, then introduced herself as "versatile". shoot me now.
This has been your unwelcomed wake-up call, brought to you by exes united. Have a good day, to opt out please type "STOP", to continue but act as though they do not exist please enter "DON'T CARE" for random daily wake up texts by exes united please press "PSYCHO!"
No she probably looked into my aura and saw that my penis would ruin her.
Can I get that on a shirt
There are more dirty dishes in my bed then in the kitchen. Have I lost at life?
You said dick pics aren't attractive
Random ones, from strangers, no. But a beautiful penis I know and love, absolutely :3
I tried to take home a cat on broadway last night. I named him Pinocchio and put my purse down on the sidewalk and tried to put it inside it
I came so hard my ears popped.
You date? I thought you just hooked up with your TAs
I'm ne vrr drinkjng againnnnnnnn dforeal.
Tonights mission: get trashed, smoke a bowl on top of the silo, get some dick. Not necessarily in that order.
Randomize
