Just found a copy of intimate toy times in my mom's trash can...
you hand the children out the window. i'll pour the drinks.
I'm going to write a book about John. It's going to be called big dreams, little dick
ya i looked horrible drunk and pregnant isn't a good combination
margarita scented body wash shouldn't be used the morning after cuervo. there should be a warning on the label.
i knew it was time to leave when he woke me up only wearing pooh bear oven mitts and holding a plate of thank you pancakes
Now that my 6 day bender is behind me, I just realized I might have been the one who took a shit in our mailbox that past few days.
Watch out, there's a giant vagina in the quad running around screaming at people.
A lumberjack bearing the gift of small oranges or gymnast sex... I love you man but you lose that battle 9 out of 10
I can't turn off my feet"
The only difference between us and a pack of 14 year old girls is substance abuse
Our office went out together for the first time to celebrate the fact our coworker got fired.
Today has been hell. Also I saw a dead man's penis. It's safe to say I will be getting very drunk tonight.
i woke up this morning with a fake eyeball in my pocket
So, 'head before the store' turned into a fuck fest, & that's how I ended up at the grocery store smelling like a cum farm on Black Friday. How's your weekend?
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