Also do the "tongue the pee-hole" thing.
This house was built for laser tag.
He was wearing a Knicks jersey I had to go home with him. it was a rough season.
At my internship. I get drug tested tmr at 2
Are they going to pay you for the one day you worked?
You probably don't remember this but last night I bought you a lap dance from a stripper that had nipples that looked like runny eggs....you're welcome.
Please tell me you've ingested more than weed and Oreos today
You know when you meet a penis that looks like it was made out of all your hopes and dreams?
We poured some Korbel out for our homie Dick Clark.
I will keep you posted and someday if we daydrink teach you how to do a footjob
I think I'm going to add the date I dumped his sorry ass as a life event on FB.
I think that's justified.
There is pretty much a target on everyone's lips when I am drunk. EVERYONE
Hey. Make all the seamen/semen jokes you want. Not many people can say they fucked 2 different girls in two different countries in one week on a tax free bonus. Next up: Italy.
He didn't get how "starting a flash flood in my thunderhole" was a sexy euphemism. Deal breaker.
I figure blowing aggressively into a harmonica is better than screaming, "GET THE FUCK AWAY FROM ME YOU SOCIOPATHIC SUCCUBUS" to my sister, in the middle of an auditorium, during my mothers college graduation ceremony.
woke up to two girls crawling on top of me forcefeeding me bacon. Best. Hangover. Ever.
Randomize