you dont have to exercise, you threw up last night!
it always starts out as a suggestion then three hours later I have cum in my eye.
We lit firecrackers from NYE in the fireplace and he was so passed out that he slept through it.
Just told my mom sparks is a health drink. Officially getting hammered on the way to the beach.
He thought he was drowning because he was drinking water and intentionally holding his breath. Dear god what did you get me in to.
Oh and now he's calling me Brohammed Ali.
We went to IKEA super baked wearing fake mustaches. You?
A dry HJ only, please. I don't deserve the comforts of lube after my horrendous fantasy football performance
look on the scale of 1 to the time you hit an old lady with your car chlamydia barely even rates
New war strategy! The ex-girlfriend of my ex-girlfriend is now my twice a week booty call!
Do you think the police would frown on me opening a psych drug pharmacy on the side? Just to dispose of my drugs without polluting the water supply! It is for the animals!
His premature ejaculation problem is getting old.
also I can check "jump into a moving car" off my bucket list if that tells you how tonight is going
I asked him if we could have sex sometime and he sent me a three page long text about his feelings for me. that's the only possible situation I've ever run into where a "k" response would have been more appropriate.
I know you’re not my dad, but you’re someone dad. And you’re also like a second dad to me who I also send nudes to as well. Happy Father’s Day
You offered him a “Sorry I Blew Your Brother” Blowjob. How does that make it right?
I promised him it would be better than the one I gave his brother which is really nice of me since their actually only half brothers and his brother is cuter
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