would you object to me following you around all the time with a video camera and selling it to TV? Your life could make me millions.
dont ever smoke after you drink again... i dont think ive ever seen...or heard of someone throwing up and farting at the same time. that is, if you were farting.
then my best friend's brother, boyfriend, and future bro in law showed up at the bar. they asked who i was there with. didn't know if "a 40 year old man" or "my 5th grade teacher" was better answer.
Buying Plan B right after a lecture on feminism. It's nice to know who I can thank for that right.
Good. I hope they all got E.Coli from snorting coke off of some homeless prick's asshole.
Well, I'm getting my ex-boyfriend to get me a z pack to cure the chlamydia I got from my married fuck buddy so that I can fuck one of my students.
Please put me in a whole with no windows and never let me out.
A black suburban rolled up and a scary suited guy got out the passenger side and opened the door for her as she got in. Then drive off. Who did I just fuck?
I don't know if I should feel proud or ashamed of myself...ashamed for making myself a drink at 6:15am or proud for actually being awake that early.
Somehow I ended up in a different costume dancing with some tree of a guy in the basement bathroom, what did you give me?
The stripper told Tom to sort his life out
Where is Holly?
Nevermind. i can hear her having sex two doors down
Yesterday I went home with one shoe, today I go home with three. Fucking win.
So you think Jesus would be proud of me for walking of shame into my apartment 10 minutes before I told my parents I'd be over for Easter?
sober me needs to have more faith in drunk me.
Randomize
