She'll never know what hit her
I dunno. Girls tend to recognize ball-to-chin contact.
When we were fucking i started barking and growling at her.. you shoulda seen her face
Nope changed our mind. Decided your strange bacon like body odor wasn't what we want to smell tonight.
Took her home last night and it was like trying to put an oyster in a slot machine. I may have drank a little too much.
I'm sorry i'm just too high to handle anything besides pirates of the caribbean right now.
How can you turn a kayak date down? I'M TALKING RIVER HEAD HERE.
Being at this stripclub only reinforces how single I am. And I was *just* becoming okay with that.
I love THIS fish, the rest of the ocean can go fuck itself. I am ahab and he is my whale
It blows my mind that pandora doesn't have an : I want to lay in bed in the dark and be sad and cold and eat frozen mangos and chipotle all day station
If I don't get my shit together, I'm going to be one of those really fucked up cases on 1000 ways to die
There are far too many naked dudes in your apartment, and they aren't even watching porn. I mean seriously, they've got the Lion King on.
COCAINE AND SUSPENSFUL BBC SHOWS DO NOT WORK.
I'm covered in bite marks and have a cracked rib - was a good weekend
do you think mom is upset that i left with the stripper from her bachelorette party last night?
I bought two pregnancy tests and a cosmopolitan magazine at 4am... I told the cashier "dont judge me, ur not God"
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