I can always tell its time to do laundry when my vibrator doesn't stay covered up in my sock drawer.
please dont ever try to drink horizontally again. I thought I was going to have to give you cpr
He legit pounded my cooking wine, because he was to cheap to buy beer. He is so not getting any.
Only thing I got out of his drunken Spanish is something that sounded like "pencil sharpener." Damn rosetta stone.
Oh my god. A memory of last night just came to me. One of our neighbors joked about Thomas having a big dick and I just kept shaking my head profusely.
Was I asleep on the ride home?
Yea, then when I tried to hold your head up on a turn, you round house punched me in the face.
On Friday, can we drink like its Civil Wars times and the doctor's coming to saw off our gangreen infected legs?
Well, I just bought plan b with the tips I made from the job that I slept with my manager. So yeah, that's my life. How's yours?
There is a huge fucking spider in my bathroom....I can just burn our apartment down right? What do you need me to grab?
Found an elderly homeless guy with a Gandalf beard passed out on my porch. I put a Santa hat over his erect dick cause he was naked.
I woke up with glitter and eggshells in my bed wtf
So I came to the conclusion that who ever pour my ever clear out saved my life
I’ve gone two rounds already this morning and I’m ready for a third. The moon is in the house of sluticus hornius.
no i'm going to the dr today, he fucking banshee-shrieked in my ear as he was coming and now i can't hear out of it
He's the first boyfriend I wouldn't cheat on. This is a really big deal for me
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