I think someone spiked my drink last night. .. Like all 20 of them.
how could I be having a bad time, I have the three most important things in life: Goat cheese, Xanax, and Saved By the Bell Re-runs.
she looked like the before picture.
I told you not to have sex with her on my futon
I didnt dude, i swear!
either that or you were eating mayo, which was the second thing i told you not to do on my futon
Life's too short to consider the larger psychological underpinnings of my lust.
I've decided to turn your sobriety into a reason for me to be able to drink more.
I need $500 dollars more than I need a night of dignity... I gonna do it.
I ended up taking shots of whiskey and chasing them with potato wedges, I have never felt more Irish
Got robbed by knifepoint. Then got sympathy Bj. I might have to walk down Austin ave drunk every weekend
Her life is filled with shit luck. Its like mother nature is having her period and just taking it out on her specifically.
I should come with a disclaimer that reads "bad at relationships and defensive when confronted about it"
or maybe "WARNING: picks fights when bored"
This is my life. Enjoy the view
This little girl and her dad are walking behind me. "Why is he wearing pajamas?" Mind your own business, kid.
Yeah because the only thing stopping you from fucking Emma Watson is you not being a Gryffindor
I would accept a super bowl ring as an engagement ring
Randomize
