So... how did lowering your standards work out last night?
Turns out I'm a social drinker... I just happen to be REALLY social.
God. I look like such a fucking stand up guy wearing polo shirts. You would totally trust me not to date rape you.
Shaving your vagina at 8 months pregnant is not an easy chore.
do you remember the combo for the lock to my pants?
For a limited time only, free special muffin with the referral of a loyal dro customer! Have it for breakfast and be happy off your ass all day! Guaranteed! New member must buy at least an eighth. Oh and O's are on sale for 280.
You. Win. At. Life.
Oh by the way, john gave me your shirt to return to you when I was at work today. I almost gave him his girlfriends underwear to return to her but figured it would be inappropriate.
There's a baby duck in my toilet. Fuck you.
You are under a naked attack watch for the whole weekend. Shelter in place.
Why aren't you two playing Dora the explorer with each other's genitals yet?
So my flight takes off at 8am. Does this mean I need to break my airport bar pre-flight ritual?
Aren't you the one who taught me that airports are the judgement-free drinking zone?
He tried to break dance on the island in the kitchen and ended up knocking over everyone's alcohol onto the floor then yelled "GUCCI" before vomiting
HAMMERED.. I made a peanut butter and jelly sandwich with toilet paper instead of bread...
I was doing handstands in the jail cell and crying “IM A HIGH SCHOOL TEACHER AND IT’S CHRISTMAS EEEEEVE”
It goes to show, Sane person, daddy doms, little girls, all of us may seem different but deep inside we all grow wisdom teeth
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