I hooked up with a Michael Jackson impersonator last night. Too soon?
if my college career had corporate sponsors, they would be natty light and aim toothpaste.
We got drunk before dinner. People at the other tables were praying for us.
i just found a cheeto on my floor and ate it. i might still be drunk.
Dude manswers just said that a guy can only cum up to eight times in one day. I'm gonna prove that show wrong.
ha well at least you have goals.
My grandma just told me that she sharted, no I am not having fun in El Paso.
That's the saddest description of touching yourself I've heard since someone said "I was just lazily rubbing my clitoris while eating Cheetos alone"
I'm doing the Macarena naked in my living room right now
I see you're taking unemployment seriously.
YOU WERE HAVING SEX IN THE SAME BED I WAS SLEEPING IN. AND YOU GRABBED MY HAIR. OF COURSE I'M PISSED.
"You can go raw dog up in me". Exact words. I can't decide whether to run, or fuck. Help.
This drive is very scenic
And I'm chugging whiskey in the back
As you should, soak in all this country has to offer
I did my walk of shame through a safeway at 8am to get YOUR hangover bagels. You're welcome asshole
I spent the morning naked in her roommates closet because her parents decided to come over after church..
So is it safe to say that my only objective from last night is to finish this entire jar of peanut butter?
Thank you for deleting me from Instagram. Also, I'm carrying your child. Happy new year!
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