All I know is that if italians start TIME TRAVELLING were all in a lot of trouble paizon
I'm sitting next to this guy at the bar. I wrote him a little song in my head it goes "there is no fucking chance you're getting in my pants" gonna sing it to him after he buys me another drink.
Did we have sex last night?
I think that was the general idea until I got you undressed and you puked on me.
First thing I heard on the radio when I got in the car: "humans and dinosaurs used to live happily together"... I need to stop listening to Christian radio...
So at this point...I'm sure you heard the story about Saturday night
Should I be alarmed that you're a regular enough at a bar to show up in sweatpants?
She keeps sending, "show me your elephant trunk."
Sweetie, don't go home with him. You can do so much better. Everyone else at the bar agrees.
easter 2014 is on 4/20 THIS IS NOT A DRILL YOUR FAMILY WILL EXPECT YOU TO BE HOME AND SOBER I REPEAT THIS IS NOT A DRILL
Took pain meds with RumChata this morning. It's like morning milk but better
You were yelling at the mannequin and saying "DON'T LOOK AT ME"
FYI, his "son" is a Chihuahua.
I wanna stuff your vagina full of Reese's peanut butter hearts and eat you clean
I'm going to go ahead and refrain from sexting you in an airport that is currently at a "level orange" security threat.
We are so disgustingly codependent and I wouldn't have it any other way
Randomize
