remember that time i ran away from the bar and passed out in a street cot?
neither do i
i just realized i've been trying to levitate the potatoe chip out of her hand for the past ten minutes. i think i smoked to much.
Girl last night got so wet when I was going on down her it flooded up my nose. I nearly drown
I'm at my inlaws playing Scrabble. Go Fuck Yourself.
you know you've been in a long relationship when u start retiring sex toys
I think I'm going to try and hook up with that blond tonight.
I'm going for alcohol poisoning.
Bagel with cream cheese. It's blowing my fucking mind.
How high are you right now..
I MICROWAVED IT. SIGNIFICANT IMPROVEMENT.
I bought a 9 dollar purse from payless so if I throw up in it tomorrow, no biggie.
Let me just say....i'm sorry about setting your carpet on fire. I had no idea that the paper towel would burn that quickly.
just had a very awkward conversation with the concierge at the hotel, they threw your underwear out
someone wrote my own number down on my hand and then call me.
It was a glorious ass. He has amazing hands. I want to fuck him until he can't do math anymore.
All I’ve had today is sex and water. I think it’s time for tacos.
Please stop calling me a pterodactyl during sex. It only happens when you're drunk, but still.
I just woke up with a cowboy hat on my face and a playboy from the 90s on my chest
He was eating me out on a picnic table on the frame lake trail and right after I came, a group of hikers walked around the corner. Stood up just in time
And this is one of the many reasons why you need a car.
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