Is it wrong to want to cut a hole in the Tigger suit so I can molest you while I wear it?
Our teacher totally just got outed in class by a speaker from some lesbian cooperative house
I wish the holidays was like a drive thru. Get in. Get your presents. Get out.
Just spit on a sock to clean a spot on my glass table. Oddest combination of so lazy and motivated ever.
You're such a slut.
I prefer opportunist.
some people offered us free beer as long as we shotgunned it and after you shotgunned four without pausing they took their offer back
only clue right now is the orange grease all on my clothes. debit card denied so I know something weird went down..
Ya bro it was wild. Hey, is latex digestible?
And on the subject of embracing my inner whore, I had two different dicks in my mouth yesterday. Friend, it's official. I'm completely outta control.
Math equation of the day: 4 waffles + 1 bowl of weed = 1 terrific nap
Do you have any need for a scary clown mask?
Yeah, he's passed out in my bathroom pantsless. Is it a faux pas to look at his penis?
Yeah, but he has adorable dimples and dimples talk me into things.
On another note, I think my upstair neighbor is having sex. How awkward would it be if I showed up to her door with a bag of Chipotle?
You think the guy at the speed wash knows he needs to scrub the vomit off the side of my car?
He knew.
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