matt is drinking blue powerade and it looks like he has hypothermia. i can't take this kid anywhere.
my three year anniversary of no dick sucking is coming up. you can throw me a party with a penis cake.
well i was about to unbutton his pants but then i realized they had an elastic waste-band, so no, that didnt happen
do you know what's more awkward than a positive pregnancy in a public bathroom?
not a thing
walking in on a stranger's positive pregnancy test in a public bathroom
Wearing the BK Crown on the throne while dropping the kids off at the pool? Yes, one of my life's goals. Win
I know I said I wouldn't, but he told me I looked like Mila Kunis. Reasons not to fuck him, go.
Just had a random flashback of you tickling some guy's nipple with your claw ring, and then him moaning and stripping in the middle of the bar. You give good memories.
He puked in the funnel and continued to chug it. Who is this dude?
Just had a memory of you pretending to be a begging dog putting your head on my lap while I fed you. Great night to try a new drug.
don't mind me. just hanging out in this cool air conditioned Babies R Us until the liquor store next door opens.
porn backed up onto portable hard disk, laptop charged, battery backup in place, two cases beer, handle of vodka, poptarts and beef jerky --- bring it sandy.
You've gotta make sure the carpets match the drapes, though.
I am not dying my bush blue.
Awk. Hanging with her while messaging her ex about sex injuries he gave me
Ok. You have started something that can only end with a picture of the inside of my butthole. It may happen today or next year, but it's on my agenda.
If this gives you any indication of my current state, I stopped at Meijer after work and bought funyuns, pregnancy tests and chocolate.
Randomize
