I dreamt Michael Jackson dropped his pants in front of me and I had to ignore it.
She got kicked off the plane and spent the last four hours in a holding cell with the feds.
but she's really nice
they have pregnancy tests at the dollar store
I feel like that is one of those things that you should not cheap out on.
I need a legitimate reason as to why the microwave door is in the shower
Were betting on little kids falling and racing for a drinking game at the wedding.
I'm having mini little movies in my head. Like for example. You were talking to a blue whale with jazz man sunglasses, but not the ray charles jazz sunglass. More like sunglasses that are round. Anyway, he has a baguette and stupid french hat. And you , you had your harry potter glasses.
perfect. if all else fails remind him how anxious he is. talk real fast and induce a panic attack that only I can remedy with xanax.
So I told him it takes a lot to get me drunk & he said he was the heavyweight champion in college. We high-fived. Obviously I'm the favorite child.
I'm graduating college in 4 days. I already miss the bad decisions
too bad we didn't bet. my 38-1 tears would have made great lubrication for a blow job.
He and I tag each other in memes all day. You could say it's getting pretty serious.
FYI bail money is still in my drawer. I know you have no car but you need to know this for tomorrow.
If you fucking touch my phone and text people, drunk or sober, ever again, i will shove a swizle stick up your pee hole.
Went to the party dressed like a Cougar and brought a twenty something dressed as Micheal Phelps home. So far I’m loving being divorced. :-)
please don't ironically join a cult
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