If my vag had twitter, what do you think it would say?
Can you tell me why I have pubes stuck in my teeth?
and then she yelled "im going to fuck the next guy that walks by me". so ya thats how i lost my virginity
Dear God. I kissed a man tonight who was born in 1936.
Well I tried to steal a golf cart. I fought with the Chick-Fil-A cow. And other things.
Shotgunned a beer while taking a bath.
Usually I just ask myself "have I been naked here?" If the answer is no I correct the situation.
When you put my balls in your mouth i just want to buy you expensive gifts...you know what i mean?
I'm having post-experience "why didn't I fuck her in a public bathroom" regrets
I'm going to CVS to meet the Craigslist guy who is going to buy my underwear. If I don't text you within the next hour, plz assume that I have been abducted by a stranger with an underwear fetish.
They made up a new version of "Smash or Pass" called "I would(n't) let you sit on my face" to yell at the freshman
Ah, but I don't wear underwear. Every day is Commando Wednesday.
I don't know how to say "Sorry I was banging your boyfriend before I knew about you but you're awesome and we should hang out." without just saying it.
If you wake up, and some of your hair is singed off, it probably has something to do with the lit cigarette you put in your hair. You said it could double as a bobby pin...?
Your mom asked you why you had bite marks all over your arms and you answered her by yelling "I HAD A SIESTA!"
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