Managed to convince my mom that I had been home for 3 hours sleeping on the couch downstairs and this t-shirt was your dads. I am SUCH a fucking boss.
I just told you I can't. My fingers are melting. I have discovered the high.
I've crashed the car, it's a write off. The police are here and I'm dressesd as a crayon.
Occasionally I curse my inner 15 year old when I'm fulfilling their dreams as a slut, but I roll with it.
One day her vagina is just going to shrivel up and seal itself with it's self preservation mechanism
Everybodys gonna want to make out w me dressed as big bird
Big bird is like some childhood daddy fantasy come true for carnival
I went to the obgyn with chipped nail polish.. Somewhere Beyonce was looking down, shaking her head, whispering "Not fierce."
DAMMIT Im supposed to be running a company not discussing dick piercings!
I'm going to CVS to meet the Craigslist guy who is going to buy my underwear. If I don't text you within the next hour, plz assume that I have been abducted by a stranger with an underwear fetish.
Vasectomy results are in. No swimmers in the water. REPEAT. No swimmers in the water. Come help me harness my new found super-power
How many Wendy's frosties do you think it would take to fill a bathtub?
At one point I was convinced he was a snake and was going to eat me And I just accepted it
So drunk last night I reviewed my recent anazon purchase of secret deodorant. Trust me, it was eloquent.
I'm going to tell you a beautiful word.
Fellatio.
I feel like I purchased a one way ticket to hell last night and its non refundable.
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