I just did your MASH and your life is pretty unfortunate. Youre marrying the tech guy for love. you live in a shack and you're a hooker and you make $1 a day. you drive a brown limo and you have 7 kids
You text me last night that you invented a new food. Cheese-less grilled cheese. Congrats, you made toast.
Last night I ate parmesan cheese straight out of the container while watching Chelsea Lately. Look at what happens to me when you leave.
Dipping doritos in ranch. Why doesn't he love me?
Just saw a guy walking down the street carrying a giant inflatable penis
Just arrived at our party
in my defense, he kept drinking all of my water.
he had diabetes and you told him to stop being a pansy!
Just found a condom on my floor from last weekend. 2/2. The scavenger hunt is over.
On duty sugar tits. A Marine never abandons his post to take nudi pics.
This Pinterest wedding planning is a good distraction. I'm great at this, my imaginary wedding is beautiful
He must be a special kind of stupid to cheat on a women who works at a funeral home. Does he not understand you can get rid of dead bodies easier than most Americans?
It finally happened. Some guy just tried to catfish me with my own dick pic. Of course I told him that it was the hottest dick I'd ever seen and that I would do anything for that particular dick.
Well I'm trying out this whole "not sleep with a stranger thing"
That's silly... just silly. And by silly I mean unrealistic.
I was asked to be part of a mmf threesome. I think I'd rather stay home, watching Orange is the New Black and cuddle with my cat though
I may have made out with your roommate and your cousin tonight. In my defense I thought both of them were your cousin.
I collect Covid conspiracy theories like I collect Pokemon.
Randomize
