i just stumbled downstairs, still drunk, to hug my dad and wish him a happy fathers day
but fathers day is next sunday
i realized that after i threw up on his bare feet
i can't believe you bought a jetta. you know that's a girl car, right? if i hadn't had sex with you, i'd have no other proof you're straight.
Making the executive decision for drunk you to not sleep in the lofted bed that has no ladder
her and i fucked to a michael jackson song and she had it memorized so she squealed every time he did
nothing like morning wood sex at 4pm. funemployment ftw
Also, just saw a kid in a gorilla costume being questioned by a boardwalk cop. I love ocean city.
The secrurity code on my debit card is 420, can not lose this card.
I know. She seems like she getting that "need some dick" restlessness. Might explain the feisty attitude
By "met a doctor" I really mean "fucked a pre med student"
He pulled a condom out of his satchel and i questioned my entire life.
Wait also totally unrelated but can horses sit down?
I just tried to picture one and I don't think they can cause I can't envision it
My Instagram consists mostly of drag queens and people who dress up as power rangers... I'm pretty sure I'm an unclassified category of gay
My condoms might be a little big for you but hey, a big sweater is better than no sweater at all when it's cold right?
I can't believe i just offerred a guy a burrito and head, and got turned down. Officially celibate now.
As your boyfriend, I'm gonna congratulate you on winning that fist fight. But as a cop, I have to tell you to not do that again.
Randomize
