If I see one more commercial for The Secret Life of the American Teenager, I'm going to punch the next teenage girl I see in the uterus and scream, "Wear a condom!"
walkin home..,.jsut saw the cheshire cat
watch out for the queen of hearts
fuucck i forgot ab her
You're the 8th person from last night to text me this morning and ask if I'm ok.
you can't exactly throw up or pass out at the pentagon so i had to pull my shit together
I was totally going to sleep with him, until he got naked and started swinging around his boner singing "I'm so hard. oh yeah yeah yeah, I'm so hard" like Rihanna.
So many stories. To uyou are sober. I heart you though. Jesus. Dirrty dancing jusyt came oine!!no. Lie.
Tempting. But I already used the alcohol poisoning excuse at work this month. No way he would believe it a second time...
Trust me. My penis has made more than enough decisions this weekend.
I'm mumbling to people and trying not to accidentally shit my pants
I broke the girls bed. I will not apologize about bragging.
My cat was watching porn with me. Weirdest bonding experience ever.
I'm not gonna lie. The thing I miss the most about him right now is the air conditioned hotel rooms.
i could only love him more if he was covered in glitter.
Do you remember feeding the vacuum doritos last night?
I don't know why, but whenever I shave my balls I feel more aerodynamic.
Randomize
