I just woke up in my car with half the wedding cake next to me. This will not end well.
i'm surrounded by gay midgets. not sure if i'm bragging or asking you to come rescue me. wait for follow up.
What happened?....
He lifted up the blanket, and whispered "Don't do it" to his sperm....
i'm in workout clothes. this is progress.
I feel like vodka or no vodka, you'd still be trying to button your cat into your comforter
she tossed me in the back of the car and said "god gave u the gift of life and I wanna swallow it"
I found your pet lobster in the bathroom this morning. I went to return it to you but it escaped.
I'm concerned I'll look like a hooker on new years eve in this outfit
There are different standards on new years eve. To look like a hooker you literally need to be giving a guy head on the street while he's handing you cash.
I'm figuring, since someone shoved pizza crust in my ear last night, there might be some leftover pizza.
He's against "violent sex" cause apparently my body is "sacred". Like dude I'm about to tell you about blowing your brother just so you'll fuck me like an animal Jesus Christ....
I fucked in the bathroom while everyone listened and banged my dick against a table shouting "order in the court"
My greatest achievement in life thus far is being the go to friend when you have questions about butt plugs.
Oh like it's the first time I've had a bowl of wine
Sexting my TA in lecture = awesome
Of course his biggest mistake was assuming that I ever gave a fuck to begin with.
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