evidently tequilla and lady gaga make me flirt and grind shamlessly with other men infront of my boyfriend.
i knew he was a douchebag when his facebook activities were "ladeis," and "gettin crunk wit ladeis"
I just want you to know that if I ever had to fight man eating flowers or flying turtles to save my friends they'd be fucked. No one's worth all that bullshit. PS I really need to stop playing Wii while drunk.
I don't care how many kiddie pools are in our house. One is too many.
No, the responsible one does not yell out "lets go to iHop" at 5 in the morning to a bunch of drunk people with munchies.
We didn't talk. I watched you drop an egg on the floor. And watched you praise your haunted broom.
Last thing I remember is beer bonging sangria. Dear God.
You called to teach me about fire safety, meowed a whole bunch, said "I hope you are not on fire" and hung up.
And I can feel feelings now and they hurt
Put it this way, at one point I was getting stoned on the roof of the strip club with one of the strippers while another one gave me a free lap dance. That wasn't even the best part of the night.
Just walk up to him nice, spread your legs like smooth peanut butter on toast and scream "LOOK AT MY BEAVER! LOOK AT IT!!"
Lets have the type of night where its 5am and one of us has definitely punched someone who has been on a Disney Channel show.
i knew my hormones were back to normal when i went to ikea and didn't want to fuck any of the workers
How you run into a glAss door three times in a row I do not know
The only good thing about 2020 is that the hot flight attendant neighbors are using my pool a lot. If i can keep them from wandering into my Zoom meeting with my boss I’m golden
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