She made out with me for a free sandwich. What makes you think she is NOT up to my standards?
I JUST MACED MY OWN FACE
This is by far the best text I have ever woken up to.
The gay is strong with you! You're more concerned about my outfit than my safety.
Hit a new low. I'm FB stalking him while he is lying in bed sleeping naked next to me. He fell asleep with FB still open and unlocked on his iPad.
I found out his moms name, maiden name, profession, and office location, his dads name and profession, his home phone, picture of their house, all of his work profiles, and the cost of their house. All I'm trying to do is find his damn twitter
Got stuck at my fwb place for three days because I decided sex was more important than my safety in the weather. Worth it.
Would you go as one half of Harry and Lloyd in Tuxes to Aaron's wedding?
Dude, i just watched a drag queen dropkick a motherfucker. this is a good night.
Charles Manson is Getting Married and I stare down at my tits and wonder how I am possibly single.
Take home message: SPERM IS EVIL AND SHOULD NEVER EVER EVER BE ALLOWED UP ONE'S NOSE.
The time stamp on this text message is reason enough alone to not leave me unsupervised
You know that if they offer you a bagel they are determined to sleep with you, right?
I'm asking you this because you're my dad....is coke a drug I should try?
Oh my god.. Saw a commercial for Captain Morgan. Made me gag a little bit.
Happy 20th birthday! I hope you like anxiety and having your debit card declined at McDonald's!
Randomize
