Sometimes I think its so cool that a dick that has been inside kate moss has also been inside me. So exciting.
Some guy with no shirt on and his pants undone informed us he was kicked out of the cab
I asked him why, and he had absolutely no idea.
i've counted 4 condom wrappers but only 3 condoms. not again.
Friends are holding an intervention and have no idea this gatorade is half vodka. This is gonna be the best intervention ever.
I just foul balled at work. I had taken off my coat too… had to go to the sink wash my hands then go back to the stall and pick up my coat. I hope the guy shitting in the stall next to me didn’t figure out what happened.
the only compliment i could think of for this chick was that she looked 'moderately attractive'
He asked if I wanted a dutch rudder. 1.) Who says that? 2.) How exactly does one do that with a girl?
I just had to MC for a middle school event with jizz on my dress. I'm going to hell.
We can just keep having sex until one of us finds someone we actually like
So... Apparently, "Home" isn't the correct response when a cop asks for your address...
The plan was to get laid... Now the plan is to survive.
Giving the guy pizza was a good idea. Leaving him naked on the pool table makes you my hero
I could have been on my second lucrative divorce by now, but nooooo, I had to be a strong independent woman.
She was all for the threesome til I showed her a pic of my boyfriend. I think I should re-evaluate my life decisions.
I just sent a Slack that autocorrected tomorrow to gonorrhoea. Please note that Slack autocorrect isn’t very good.
Randomize
