Haven't eaten in 11 hrs. I am gonna have so much material to talk about with anorexic girls now
Seriously, I'm delusional. Idk how these models even walk on the runway
if this week's events in iraq have taught me anything, it's that when pulling out, always expect a mess...
I think the neighbors upstairs are trying for more kids. I want to run up there and yell "mazal tov!"
his electricity got shut off. i felt like a pilgrim searching for his dick.
You tried to luge a beer down a flip flop.
Either I'm spending too much time drinking or my perfume is starting to smell like a pineapple vodka.
the thing I didn't realize I would miss about college is that at home you can't just dismiss your sex bruises as drunk accidents
there's a strong possibility i came on your eyeliner last night bathroom sex was unplanned and rather messy sorry
i think he spiked my sandwich with a viagra
Please tell me you've ingested more than weed and Oreos today
We just had a 30 min argument on the actual birth date of Jesus, it ended in my brother and ain't cursing each other and an 8 yr old answering it by using Siri.
also my alarm just went off. I am always amused at what time drunk me decides to wake up.
WHY DO I KEEP FINDING CHICKEN THROUGHOUT THE HOUSE? GET YOUR ASS HOME NOW!
Don't take advice from me. I'm simultaneously shitting and eating cheesecake.
Idk what I'm more afraid of...checking my bank account or my STD results.
Randomize
