I was so drunk last night i ate cereal with a fork.
I was doing the dishes wondering what was with all the tiny little cups, but then I remembered that some people drink things other than huge mixed drinks and big cups of water the next day.
You broke a window with your face. I don't think the landlord will be as impressed as we were.
i just made mint juleps with bourbon and fresh breath strips. i am the macgyver of alcohol.
Apparently william has a "couch montage"...an album of facebook photos of himself on different couches in various states of happiness and despair. A heartwrenching journey through what was clearly a significant part of his life. I'd mock him more but I think the fact that I looked through it means he's already won
I told you I'm not going to the Phillies game until we're tripping balls
I told the cop to try walking in heels and he'd understand why I was walking home without then on. He told me he only does that on Wednesdays.
I had one glass of wine then passed out for 4 hours. It's like I'm having a quarter-life crisis.
Last night I went to spank her while she was riding me and sack-tapped myself.
That moment when the line ‘If you want a hot body you better work bitch’ in Britney Spears’ new song comes on as you’re using two forks to shovel enchilada into your mouth.
I'm going to pretend you don't watch My Little Pony and focus on your large cock. Kay? Don't bring it up again.
I don't know if your celebrity crush has ever asked you for nudes, but it's fucking awesome
My mom just came upstairs handed me an Adderall and asked if I could help her wash the ceilings
i woke up with a shamrock tattoo on my wrist and a fat bruise on my hipbone. please tell me its not real.
It's been THREE DAYS. Why do I still have the munchies?!
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