While I was dancing with him in my foil dress he said, "You're like a Chipotle burrito. Don't worry, that's the best complement you could get from me."
you were eating the carrots out of my guinea pig's cage and saying that you needed them more than they ever would.
The tent wall coming unstaked in the wind and hitting me in the face really sobered me up
Imagine a baby lion feeding on an injured gazelle and it tasting fresh blood for the first time. That's me and this breakfast sammich
I feel the need to clarify that I did not show her my vagina.
Apologies for hacking your facebook and posting that picture of you passed out hooked up to the IV...but we were sat with you on the ER floor for 3 hours, it got boring
Made eye contact with a friendly neighborhood dog walker while violently puking out the window. How's your Wednesday going?
Just got into a fight with a trashcan, today is obviously not going to be my day.
Well he's a 33 year old furniture salesman that picked up at 19 year old buying a bedroom set for her room. I can see how that would be awkward
Idk man, we spent like 20 mins arguing about the moral ambiguity of fucking in someone else's car
Are we going to go home and do it or do I have time to eat my nachos bell grande first?
To show us how offended you were you took off the right foot of your pterodactyl suit and proceeded to attack us with it.
I have need of you to return home with haste, as I require the magical capsules you possess to relieve the posterior pain I am living. I battle this demon with stubborn grit, however I feel that defeat is on the horizon.
I now have a "weirdest thing a guy ever did in bed" story. Cut my fingernails.
Yeah I'm gonna need you to stop it right there.I know this is supposed to be a safe space but Imma have to exit.
I know its 2 in the morning and everything. But i just straight up yelled "DON'T YOU UNDERSTAND THIS WORLD IS DIFFICULT ENOUGH AS IT IS WITHOUT YOU PULLING THIS BULLSHIT ON ME" to my taco. Because it fell apart on me. I think i might be cracking under this finals pressure.
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