Today should be called shooting fish in a barrel day. Every place ive gone to ive met a girl who regrets not hooking up last night. There have not been girls this easy since Fathers Day
First funeral I've ever been to where the cops had to come.
Come to wine Wednesday bro. We have a fog machine
I'm like a walking PSA for tequila shots
Dude. You stood in a corner laughing your ass off while folding clothes, facing the wall. Yes, they were weed brownies..
Your mother liked my album on facebook that's only filled with drunk pictures. I don't know what to feel about this
Shit my boyfriend's roommate thinks thinks: I love getting woken up to the sound of my roommate getting a blowjob
I just ironed my gstring.. this is please fuck my brains out on a whole new level.
My night just got really weird. In a sit down stall bathroom at this nice resturaunt and this guy walks in as I rip a humongous porcelain-splitting fart. Well, I hear him stop for a second. He then opens the door to the stall next to mine, sits down and says, "player two has entered the game."
Did you win?
When did i become the Rickety Cricket of my own life?
I know I'm going to throw up tonight it's just a matter of when and where
I blew past the Governor's motorcade going twice the speed limit and DIDN'T get a ticket. God wants me to get laid.
Sexting is killing my work productivity but it's okay because I'm self-employed
You ghosted you're own booty call. Wow what a sad sad man.
We live walking distance from the coors factory. no, we do not have a dry week.
Randomize
