You are an asshole
haha sleeping beauty awakes.
Where did you find this costume?
We just found a handle of vodka in our fridge and no one knows how it got there. God I love spring break.
i came out of my blackout when my grandma called last night. it kinda sobered me up and i realized who i had been making out with. should i call and thank her for the defensive cockblock?
Outta milk. Using rum instead for pancake mix. Drunk Thursday is a gooo
Because of his penis, I can't even look at a hot dog
At second job interview this week. Wearing pants to hide pole dancing bruises. This my life.
Bring fortys. we have the duct tape. its onnn mothafuckaaaa
I've never used poorer judgment in my life. It's mathematically possible that I impregnated 5 women in the past 24 hours since I won the lottery. But I couldn't be happier about it.
what compelled you to fill her bra with pudding and freeze it in the first place?
i might remember if i didn't get knocked out with it later that day.
dude, my hangover is telling me there was tequila involved
Good thing my vagina doesn't have a chronometer on it. I'm sure my fiance would be horrified. Probably 10 miles from this past weekend alone.
I should become a firefighter. Who uses his cock to fight fires. Like a Superhero.
I had the bathroom of girls sing you happy birthday while you puked. I couldn't stop laughing. They were all so supportive
I’m drunk and naked and looking for my charger - title of my autobiography.
I yelled at your uterus for you.
Randomize
