THE most awkward situation I have EVER been in
Also, I just threw up a little in my mouth and had to act like everything was totally fine.
I just remembered we were doing butt clenching exercising with bar straws last night
if I could go back to kindergarten and not fuck up my life, I so would.
It smells like ranch
Must be all the white people
She just said she wanted to get freaky and left the room. I'm almost certain I just heard the microwave.
having someone tell me to "prepare my vagina" is not really something I want to hear..
On my way to the DMV to get arrested
I didn't just randomly come up with it. But if you want to give me extra credit for creativity I have a bare chest and chocolate sauce left
I did get to watch you pee, tho. That counts as another precious moment.
WHY DID YOU INVITE ALEX?!?
Because she offered to bring a keg.
And also because you fucked her in an alley last week and I'm trying to be a good friend.
I got so drunk last night I took a ice bath with my mother in law
we're forecasting high levels of inebriation into the evening with dropping temperatures late at night
OH MY GOD I AM DYING. AS I WAS TEXTING I JUST BUMPED INTO A MOTHER FUCKING DEER. I AM SHAKING
Wait...Literally? You hit a deer...with your body?!
I PHYSICALLY RAN INTO IT. I FELT ITS WEIRD HAIR AND I EVEN APOLOGIZED CAUSE IT DINDT REGISTER THAT IT WASNT A PERSON. MORTIFIED.
Why is there a mildly painful bruise on my back?
You slipped off the sink last night.
Why was I on the sink......?
;)
At Target. Everyone is stocking up on food and flashlights for this storm. I stocked up on beer. Dont judge me, it was on sale...
Randomize
